“All my life I’ve been searching for something, …” as the Foo Fighters say.
But last night I had the Epiphany. There is no Epiphany. This is it. I’ve always thought I would wake up and have the magic solution. But it’s already here.
I always think once I decide to do something, everything conspires against me to stop me doing it. But what if it was the other way around? What if I always did and achieved what I wanted to do? Belief change.
As the old saying says - there is good and bad news. The good news is, you’re in charge. And the bad news, is you’re in charge
This is it. Get on with it.
Every now and again, it’s my turn to clean the bathroom and unblock the plug hole in the shower – it’s full of hairs and soap.
For years, I used to blame my wife. Well, blame is not the right word, but I used to think that they were her hairs that were blocking up the plughole. But then I thought – what if they are mine? Probably more likely. given my more rapidly decreasing hair rate. Which lead me to think. And it’s not about the hair or the shower here. It’s about my tendency, and i think it’s a fairly human failing, to look at others and judge them before looking inside myself. This is an area where I am sure i will need constant improvement throughout my life. I don’t really want a tattoo but if I do choose to get one, maybe it would say “Perceptio Reprehendo”.
I have read that when you are in a relationship, you have an ever-present mirror – if you’ll only recognise it. And when you have children, that mirror can become even more clear.
For weeks (or maybe months) my daughter has been saying to us ”…do you know …” -followed by whatever the topic of conversation is -ie “do you know Jane did a pee in the play area”, “do you know monkey lost his pyjamas”, “do you know Mr Badger snores” etc etc.
It’s quite endearing, but I have been thinking (and saying) – that I have no idea where she gets that expression from.
Then, I heard my wife say it – “Do you know..”.
And again. And again.
Listening is a big thing for me, but it’s taken me eight years to hear this. I really, really must pay more attention.
But it makes me look forward even more to the years ahead, and learning something from them both every day. Something to be truly grateful for.
Its not good for them. Your children. Your colleagues. Your friends.
Lack of boundaries and not being called to account are not good for anyone. But I dislike conflict. In on personality test that I took many years ago, it said “John hates conflict and will do anything he can to avoid it”. I was in my early twenties, I’m wondering now if it was a self fulfilling prophecy? But it has remained with me throughout my life since.
I have a tendency to shy away from difficult situations, and stay in my room rather than deal with the issue. But I also have a desire to help people and for justice.
And I aim to use this to desire overcome my other trait. Its not good for them, or for me. Its not good for us. Deal with the situation quickly. Be fair and strong but don’t be angry.
Set boundaries for my daughter and follow through as it will be the best thing for her in the end. And do the same for everyone else.
Do you ever get to the stage where you are older and wiser not to say or do things that you regret? And where you don’t miss magical opportunities? Not yet for me.
I was talking with a colleague, we have good conversations. In a rare moment, she mentioned a story about her husband. I think it was one of those moments where it was important to her and really interesting to me. But I was carried away with what i was going to say next – a (rather unimportant) antidote i wanted to tell. So I didn’t listen, and I think in the end I even might have interrupted. The moment passed.
Now I know it’s important to pause after someone has spoken, to give them the opportunity to speak again, and to give them the respect to show that you have listened. But I don’t always remember.
There is a silver lining here. That experience was important to me. So I’ll remember the next time, and I’ll strive to get constantly better at recognising these magical moments..
I’m not sure about rules tonight. Ok. somethings have been around long enough to be fact, and no longer subject to judgment (its the ones who judge that are then subject to judgment).
but who says a blog post should be a couple of hundred words, or a book 50,000 to 100,000. I like my chapters short and my emails shorter. there is a lot to get through these days.
I received the best piece of advice for desert survival whilst on an expedition to Morocco some years ago, with the fantastically named Jonny Crockett and survival School. Some things have an uncanny ability to stick in the mind, and the comment of one of the co-organisers, a slightly elderly and compelling character with more desert experience than he would care to remember, was one of those. “…that’s the best piece of advice for desert travel you will ever get”.
What was it?
If you are lost in the Sahara, or your vehicle breaks down, do nothing. Make a cup of tea, have a drink of water, munch on a bar of chocolate, or have a cigarette. Get your thoughts together before you panic and are tempted to do anything silly. Give yourself a chance to think, take a step back and come up with a sensible plan.
I wonder in how many other situations in life that this is the sensible thing to do, to relax, give yourself time to think, and do the sensible thing.
There’s a lot written about playing on your strengths.
One of my favourites is a story about the famous tennis player Bjon Borg.
He got a new coach, who asked him what he was good at and what he was bad at. I don’t remember the story exactly, but lets say he was good at the serve, and not so good at the volley.
He expected the coach to say, “right, lets work to make you really good on your volley”. But instead he said “Let’s get your volley up to reasonably good level, and let’s work on your serve to make it world beating”.
The lesson? You might need to improve some of your skills in areas that you are not great at. But the real leverage comes from focusing on your strengths and becoming truly amazing.
Ok. So we are aware of the importance of playing to our strengths. What about taking advantage of our inherent weaknesses?
There’s a great story told by Dave Logan, Author of Tribal Leadership.
He talks about how he is slightly dyslexic. Not ideal you might think for a college professor, teacher and doctor. But a side effect from this condition is that when he is in a class of people, he has a wonderful peripheral vision that enables him to almost see everyone at the same time and be aware of what’s going on.
And this “weakness” has become a great strength throughout his career.
We are all different, and we need to rethink the way we look at our “weaknesses”. A colleague once told me that I’m one of the most easily distracted people he has ever met.
At a seminar a few weeks ago, there was a guy who had thought about starting 10 different businesses in the last 30 days. And the mentor said “ I bet the person sitting next to you on the bus this morning didn’t have ideas for 10 different business in the last 30 days” What a gift to have.
For me it’s much the same. I know I score 9 on 10 for Kolbe fast start. And a mentor said to me the other day, that’s another word for being the king of procrastination. As colleague many years ago said to me – “you are a creator, not a maintainer”. The solution is obvious – work with a maintainer, to finish it off. And end the self-condemnation.
Read more of Dave Logan’s story here:-
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505125_162-57372852/look-to-weaknesses-to-find-your-leadership-strengths/
What is it for you? Is there one thing in your life, at home, or at work, that’s robbing you of energy? In fact, robbing you of a disproportionate amount of energy - that 5 minute distraction or thought that spirals and uses up an hour or mores’ worth of focus.
Its a habit, and it can be undone. It might take a while, but if you keep at it, it will go. And once its firmly gone, it going to be more difficult to go back to your old ways than to carry on with the new you.
A while ago a mentor was telling me that the advice your mother gave you was not always right. This started with a discussion about drinking water. How much do you drink, fast or slow, gulped or sipped?
One piece of advice I heard was to drink slowly, make sure the water is not ice cold and refresh the tissues in the mouth. Another was to drink 6 liters of water a day, to flush out impurities and keep your body hydrated. Yet another was to not drink too much water, as it can in fact raise blood pressure.
This piece of advice culminated with the story that your mother may have told you not to gulp down your water, but in fact this might the right thing to do. The logic behind it being that the water goes quickly down to the smaller intestines where it is absorbed more quickly into the body.
I’m not thinking of water this morning, and my mum has given me some of the best pieces of advice in my life, so I’m not thinking of her either.
I’m actually thinking of some sayings and words of wisdom and wondering how many are spot on, and how many might need another look at.
Before we get to breathing, there is the expression “don’t cut off your nose to spite your face”. A fascinating tendency of humans and the brain is the importance of justice, and how it can sometimes over-ride logic. And this can lead on to the tendency not to celebrate the achievements of others, an obstacle which needs to be got over to grow and develop. So I think that one is spot on.
I’m thinking this morning of “take a deep breath and count to ten” in moments of crisis.
I think it’s good, but I’m not sure if it’s focusing on the right area. Some reading I’ve done suggests that the area to concentrate on is the “exhale”. And you could argue that a good exhale leads directly on from a nice deep breath and holding it for a count of ten.
In his fascinating book “Just Listen” Mark Goulston says towards the end of Chapter 8,
“Forget about the music. If you want to soothe the savage beast, get the beast to exhale.”
So if it’s the exhale that holds the key to getting a little bit of control back from the lizard brain and into the thinking brain, then perhaps the saying could be “take a deep breath and exhale down to your belly, while counting to ten”
